U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
