a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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