My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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