High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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