Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
