It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
