It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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