I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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