I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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