my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
