I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My vagina is very pro this idea
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
