some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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