apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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