Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
