why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
