I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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