nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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