You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
