good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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