I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
