I wanna passion pit in your ass
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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