The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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