I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
