finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
