Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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