and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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