i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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