You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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