I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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