woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
