Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
