my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
They took my balls.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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