hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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