I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
