I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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