I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
