I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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