literally had 100 drinks last night.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize