his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
