I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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