I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
