Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
