i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
