i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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