On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
