Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We had to coat check the pizza.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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