I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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