I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize