he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize