The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
