i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
