we're making bets on your personal life
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize