there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
