her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
