scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
