dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Randomize
