I got chris browned last night
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
