I love black thongs
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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