Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
