i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
