Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
